Pure love Vs Attachment! Know the Difference!

Pure love Vs Attachment! Know the Difference!

Lovers tell each other it is pure love they have for each other without realising that all they have for each other is desire. Irrespective of whether one is seeking to fulfill material or emotional need, both are desires. It is our craving deep inside that fuels our desire and with that desire we try to possess or own the person who provides it. This is the foundation of a relationship. Nobody gets into a relationship because of their urge to give someone something. The urge is to take and we get attracted to a person who can give us what we need. The attachment to this need fulfillment is wrongly termed as love.

We feel attracted towards the physical as well as emotional attributes because of something called a tendency within us. All our thoughts and actions are guided by these tendencies. Tendencies are an urge deep within us. Based on these, needs are formed and these emanate from certain holes in us called deprivations or inadequacies or in other words wounds, scars or traumas created from our experiences in this life or brought from our previous lives. We fall for a person because he/she makes us feel a certain way. This includes the way they speak, cares, respects, shows affection, finds time and gives attention etc. We find this alluring because these are addressing our specific emotional needs.

The physical needs can be attributed to appearance traits- height, weight, complexion, beauty, material possessions, earning potential, recognition, fame, education, family background, religion etc, the list goes on, for everything screams for social validation. When we get attached to what we are getting we try to possess the person providing it. We then falsely call it love and say I love this person but the feeling is purely conditional because the attachment is for the need fulfillment. The moment our need fulfillment, be it physical or emotional is stopped, the attachment wanes off and we say we do not love him/her anymore and have fallen out of love. When we understand this right, instead of love we start saying I am not attached anymore, it could be either because my need has waned off or the partner has stopped fulfilling my need. Attachment has nothing to do with love.

Humans who identify themselves as their body are mortal beings and the relationship is one that is formed between these physical bodies. When one says “I need you” to a person or they say “you are mine”, he/she is referring to the body. A normal person cannot see anything beyond the physical. The attributes experienced in a person are pure physical, experienced with our sensory organs, including their dressing, body shape, colour, smell, words, acts, mannerisms etc.

There are several layers of existences beyond our physical body. An identity within us is the owner of our physical body, that is why we subconsciously say “my” body. Likewise it is this identity that has these needs. That is why we say “I” need to be talked to this way. When we say this, we are not referring to our body but to someone beyond the body. All the experiences we go through are in real satisfying needs of this identity. Pure love is not something one can feel for another body. It is something that we feel for the formless and is felt by the formless SELF. We don’t feel any attraction or desire nor do we get attached to the formless and attributeless SELF that we call life. Instead we have all this for the attributes that we are able to experience and perceive with our physical senses.

An example of a temple can explain this clearly. People love their favorite deity whom they call their God and worships. They are not in love with the attributes they see or experience including the metal or rock in which the form appears or the flowers or lamps or ornaments or decorations done on the deity. Their love is for the attributeless power or energy beyond what they see. They do not try to possess or own the attributeless deity. When they say I love my God, it is their devotion and it is not conditional. Instead it is a love felt from deep within, beyond the needs of their mind and body, by their life within, towards an unseen force. That is pure and unconditional love. They are only giving offerings, irrespective of what they are showered with. They haven’t seen the force behind the deity, but when they are immersed in meditation or in their devotional state they feel good. This is the love of the Immortals. Pure love! There is only one person in a living form to whom an individual can feel this love and it is one’s guru.

A disciple of a njani/sanyasi sees the sanyasi in a saffron cloth all the time, with the same physical appearance. There are no physical attribute that could attract him/her. The Guru doesn’t do any acts to please the disciple in any way and doesn’t fulfill any of his/her emotional needs. But the disciple serves the Guru with devotion and worships him. The disciple sees Guru’s compassion and love for all beings and the noble selfless work the Guru does for the world and feels admiration, respect and love for that highest form of life. Disciple is not attached to the emotional fulfillment Guru provides and he is not trying to possess or own the Guru. The love is pure and selfless that comes from devotion.

So to understand pure love, we must realise the SELF. For that we must go beyond the physical and emotional realms to realise our identity and then go beyond our identity. This is called a journey towards SELF-Realisation. This is the ultimate purpose of life. We are all on the same journey but each of us are at different stages of the journey depending on our pace. With time we all shall reach the same destination.