Boundaries, especially with opposite gender! Is lack of it ruining your relationship?

Boundaries, especially with opposite gender! Is lack of it ruining your relationship?

A disputed or grey area in most relationships, a very common subject that induces displeasure and leads to conflicts within a relationship! Most often the interpretation of the issue is presented as one of the partner’s trust issues, possessiveness, insecurity, patriarchal perspective etc. This issue needs to be addressed in light of the rising cases of separation and we understand that the above reasons do not sit well with the reality. Therefore it is very important to understand the subject clearly before arriving at a judgement.

Let’s delve a little into human psyche. To begin with, let us define insecurity. It can be primarily attributed to one’s fear of losing something he/she possesses as well as the fear of not achieving/fulfilling one’s desire. Most commonly heard term is financial insecurity and widely in the context of wife leaving husband due to lack of financial security. The security he is providing or what he guarantees to provide. This security stems from a woman’s desire for money which manifests as lifestyle, material possessions, status, social validation, respect and the list can go on endlessly. In most cases, the woman analyses future earning potential that leads to her feeling insecure about her future. Her reactive action is to seek another person who makes her feel secure.

Besides financial security, there are more subtle and important areas beyond the material needs a partner analyses to e to evaluate staying in a relationship. Each individual has an emotional craving or need, specifics on how they wish to be made felt, spoken, treated etc and we try to seek these from our partner. Let us call this emotional security. Most often a person chooses his/her partner based on the partner’s ability to fulfill these needs or provide the supply for their needs/cravings. The needs are unique to the individual and cannot be standardised and how these needs form within a person is a discussion for another day.

The intensity of their craving is proportional to the intensity of attachment the person cultivates towards the partner fulfilling their need. Because of this attachment, they try to possess or own their partner and creeps in the fear of losing them. The attachment could be towards either financial or emotional security or a combination of both. Such a person becomes very vigilant and alert on any threat being posed that could potentially end the fulfillment of their need. This is the reason people fight over how the partner uses his money, they oppose to providing for his/her folks, oppose to having a friend from the opposite gender, because these are considered threats to their financial and emotional security. With the fear looming, the person starts imposing more controls to secure themselves, which we call being possessive. Everything becomes a reason for fight – looking at someone, talking to someone, being friends with someone. They feel insecure especially when their partner is around someone who has traits they don’t possess, which they fear their partner might find attractive.

If a relationship needs to be sustained, it is important to understand the partner’s sensitivities and insecurities. They need to be respected and ensured that they are made to feel safe. Both partners have to be willing to make adjustments for a relationship to work. The partner’s reluctance in adjusting to making the other partner feel safe is where problems start. We are now seeing a rising number of cases and it is found that the insecurity is not unfounded and the partner has their valid reasons.

We have come to a point that the majority of mankind is living a hedonistic lifestyle. And so the conditioning starts from childhood about pleasures and ways to seek them. Looking at everything with lust is normal today because of what we are exposed to. Having a thought of lust is normal but what is important is to know where the boundaries need to be drawn. A person expressing his or her urge and desire to seek pleasure from you is a clear crossing of the boundary. We need to understand the difference between a thought and an urge. When a step has been taken to exhaust his urge, he/she is clearly doing it because of a tendency within them. It is unsafe to continue in proximity with a person who has shown their intend or expressed their urge.

Today what we are seeing is that men express their interest for a sexual relationship with a woman. The woman declines it but continues to entertain that person in her life, calls him a friend and hangs out with him. For a partner this is an absolute deal breaker because he knows the danger lurking in the dark. Majority of the cases of conflict and insecurity within couples today are related to this circumstance. We are seeing a complete break down of the relationship because of the woman’s reluctance to empathise or to make her partner feel safe. She is not just leading to an end to the relationship but also embarking on a dangerous journey of inviting trauma into her life from the experiences that shall ensue by providing that predator a space in her life.

Some of the reasons that can be attributed to women pursuing and entertaining such people in their life are loneliness, their urge for attention, need to feel desired and wanted. A man who has expressed his interest to pursue a sexual relationship obviously courts the woman making her feel special and gives her a lot of attention. She is made to feel wanted and highly desired by this predator. There are two reasons – 1. woman lacks these feelings in the relationship she currently is in. In that case she is getting attached to what this new person is providing and is reluctant to let go of the feeling. 2. she already experiences all these from her partner but she still entertains the new person. This is because sh has an excessive tendency within her to seek such feelings. This is also applicable the opposite way where a man is entertaining a female who has expressed her urge. I have used the example of a woman keeping such a male friend because that is more rampantly observed these days.

It is important to understand that a person who has expressed his desire and is still being entertained in the woman’s life would exploit any opportunity thrown at him because her no is clearly a maybe for him. If it is a no, it is important that the person is eliminated from your life, if you value a healthy relationship with your partner and if you wish to live a peaceful life devoid of trauma.